How did we get this stupid holiday anyway? According to some stories, St. Valentine was thrown into a pit of snakes for not giving up Christianity. Nowhere have I read that right before he died, he put a pre-made Scooby Doo card into a decorated paper bag made by the girl he liked.

Now, if we celebrated this day by throwing some stubborn Italian into a viper pit, then I wouldn't be complaining. But somehow it regressed into a day of chocolate, roses, expensive dates and the color red. The last time I saw so much red and pink junk was just before I was shed of my placenta.

However, some people enjoy Valentine's Day because it gives them a chance to tell that special someone how they feel about him or her. They can do this through cards, poems or the ever-popular candy hearts. I can't begin to tell you how much I hate those things. They are made of rat droppings and caulk and the writing is always half-worn away. "I LI E OU." What the hell does that mean? Here's a candy heart for you: Hit the bricks!

That gives me an idea. Perhaps I would enjoy the holiday more if I could have my own personal candy hearts to distribute, with specialized messages for certain individuals, such as "I watch you sleep at night," "Lay off the Godiva, saddlebags," or "I have leprosy." I imagine that these would add some passion to this craptacular day. Unfortunately, I doubt any candy company will make these for me, and since I don't have the time, patience, or spelling ability to write on them myself, I will just stick to my tradition of cutting the jugular veins of those who feel the need to wish me a "Happy Valentine's Day." Hey, look at that; now you are wearing even more red.

Since this day is entirely dedicated to women, in accordance with Title IX, there must be a male equivalent, such as Pizza and Stripper Day. There is no explanation needed for this one. However, unlike herpes, this one probably won't last, and I will be stuck to suffer through Valentine's Day without recompense. Therefore, I might as well make the most of it, and help all those guys out there who aren't sure what to do for their significant others -- sorry Snoozers, your right hands are not significant others.

If you want to impress your girl, it is always safe to stick with poems. However, this can be difficult, so it is a wise idea to revert to the classics and put your own personal spin on them. The old line, "Roses are red, violets are blue," is okay, but somewhat trite. Try changing it so that it reads something closer to what you are truly feeling. For example, "Roses are red, peaches have pits, I'll show you my love if you show me your É" Well, I can't think of a way to finish that one, but anything along those lines would probably bring a smile to her face (and hopefully yours).

Also, make sure to compliment your special one. Don't use lame lines like "your eyes are so pretty." Although they may be true, they are overused and predictable. Instead, say something to her that will let her know you really pay attention to her, like "you really hide that extra 10 pounds well," or "your rash has cleared up nicely." These are surefire ways to see that Cupid hits your girl right in the derriere with his wooden shaft of love.

And there you have it, straight from the Horse's mouth.