From now on, please remember that ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. And to add insult to injury, Ramadan and Hanukkah end this week as well, which means the fasting fun and dreidel games reach their finale. Except for you girls getting ready for Recruitment -- you are still fasting; but no more dreidel for anyone. Therefore, we must focus our attention ahead to the one remaining holiday of the year: Christmas. Kwanzaa doesn't count because it is a made up holiday, like Love Day or Bastille Day.

As we all know, Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Santa Claus. But do we all really know as much about Christmas as we should? For instance, the story of Mary and Joseph Claus traveling to Bethlehem on their sleigh is common knowledge. However, few people know that they only had enough oil in that sleigh to last them one night, yet it miraculously lasted for eight.

This kind of divine intervention is present throughout the rest of the story, but it is forgotten and overshadowed by the commercial side of the holiday. While it is true that the giving of gifts is a tradition that mimics the action of the three wise kings (King James, King Kong, and Don King), it clouds the real meaning of Christmas, which is, of course, to pay homage to Santa Claus for his obesity and his propensity for midgets.

And it is this affinity that we must duplicate during the holiday season, for we are truly blessed. It is time that you realize that and quit whining about all your finals. Everybody else has a lot of work to do too É well, except for me, who, like I said, was smart enough to not take any real classes. But I've got my problems too. I was banned from Hanes Mall for life over a simple misunderstanding. Apparently, their definition of a Yule log is much different than mine. Plus, I accidentally dropped my Techmo Bowl game yesterday, and that is one of the worst fates that can befall a man.

But I'm not going to whine about it like some skirt-wearing pansy; I'll leave that to the Pikes. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for ¯ classes have been cancelled for today, Snoop Dogg is hosting the newest Girls Gone Wild video, and the Olsen twins turn 18 in a year and a half. Life is good.

And hopefully I can bestow some of my hope to the destitute students who find themselves staring down the barrel of exam week. If you are one of the many meager little boys or girls quivering like a É well, a little boy or girl, then just think of exam week like the first annual Lighting of the Quad. There is a lot of hype, but in the end, it just ends up blowing and being a waste of your time. Feel better? And if you do end up failing, it's nothing to get upset over, because after all, you can't have a Merry F'in Christmas without the F!

And there you have it, straight from the Horse's mouth.