Because, do you know Emily? You know, the girl with dark hair? I think she has some sort of accent. I'm not exactly sure where she's from, though É

Yeah, you know you do that. And everyone hates it, because they have no idea who you're talking about. Some play it off or just happen to know only one Emily, and she's a blonde.

But be careful with your adjectizing. You can't just call her "Accent Emily" because that's really stupid. If she ever found out, you would be beaten or shunned, depending on the athleticism of accented, brunette Emily. An adjective must be specific enough that when you use it, others will understand exactly who you're talking about, even if they've only met her once. If you're really good, they may know whom you're talking about just having seen her around campus.

Adjective creativity is also supremely critical to succeeding in this create-a-name endeavor. You can't use tall or smart or drunk. How many tall, smart, perpetually drunken people can one know? At Wake, there are quite a few, so avoid categories and instead stick with obvious personality or physical traits, i.e. purple hair.

So use your thesaurus, my children. Widen your vocabulary and the boundaries of your mind when describing peers. Always-Inebriated Ian and Military Matt (nice use of literary devices there) could work, and certainly surpass the kindergarten-ish heights of "that guy we see who's always drunk" and "that guy with the short hair who always sits up straight with his shirt tucked in."

If, mostly by coincidence but occasionally by design, you rhymically adjectize someone, it's acceptable. But when all your adjectives rhyme, either you're too cute, really cheesy or just lame. Recognize the value in names like Sporty Liz (plays a million sports and enjoys the gym) and Hatty Dave (never without a hat, ever).

Compound adjectives are also allowed in most cases. However, they can't be superfluously doubled. For example, Jersey is always better than New Jersey, though states should only be used if that person personifies all that is the state. Also, beer in front of chugger, as in "Beer Chugger Kate," is unnecessary when "Chugger Kate" will do. Sure, you might have to go into further detail for some of the slower folk, but that's just a good way to discover which of your friends are future Jeopardy champions. That one worthwhile person you met at the ice cream social, though, can be referred to as Ice Cream Social (name).

But, as a final word of warning, don't be too bitchy. Adjectives are simply shallow identifiers for conversational purposes; most people cannot be nut-shelled as effectively as the adjective system would imply. In fact, most of my friends and some of my more exciting acquaintances have numerous adjectives, depending on my mood, their mood and the general creativity of the moment.

Plus, it can be detrimental to over-adjectize someone. If one overuses an adjective, bad things will happen because people will think that you misspoke and used the wrong name. If you tell your friend that you want to hook up with Shaggy Mike and she thinks you really meant Sometimes-Shaggy Josh, you're in trouble on Friday night when Josh asks you to dinner. Depending on Josh's degree of atrocity, you could prospectively be in for the longest night of your life!

As for some of my favorite adjectives: a true adjectizer never reveals their masterpieces. Such an artist must only derive satisfaction from knowing, when she hears her adjectives used, that she started that one. And that one. Oh, and that one too.