And although we like to believe that the little bubble world we know as Wake Forest is impervious to such evil, the fact is that this campus is a prime breeding ground for wickedness, sin and immorality, rivaled only by Neverland Ranch. For those of you who cannot see the evil that pervades this university, allow me to open your eyes.

First, we have Residence Life and Housing, or what I like to refer to as the Castrators of Souls. If you have never had to visit their lair in Benson, which they recently moved to the basement so they could be closer to Hell, then you are very fortunate. If, however, you have ever received a summons to meet with them to discuss your housing, then perhaps you noticed the pentagrams painted in blood in their conference rooms. It matches the pentagrams on the bills that you receive when you have been fined for leaving a thumbtack in your wall.

And with Thanksgiving break and Christmas break coming up soon, that means it's time for another round of room inspections. So let me review the "simple tips" that RLH gives us to make sure all goes well. Be sure to clear everything off your floor (including the mold and rust stains that have been there for the past five years, but that you will get fined for), set your AC units to 71.3 degrees, unplug everything, have your blinds put at half-mast ¯ but only if the last digit of your extension is a prime number ¯ and solve world hunger. Every infraction will cost you 50 dollars and your dignity.

Another minion of Satan that resides at this university is centered in the Parking Management Office. I don't even know where to begin on this one. This department uses a Wilford Brimley look-alike (think Quaker Oats) as its enforcer, doling out tickets from his decked-out Geo to people who have the audacity to park in parking spaces. They also post "guards" at the entrance of certain lots with the instructions, "act like you are in the Gestapo," assuring that any student trying to park there will be publicly flogged. These "guards," who work here because they weren't able to get a job as mall security, gave me a ticket for parking in a 15 minute space for only three minutes. I was unaware that the time limit meant 15 minutes per day, not per car. Dealing with these people is as fun as disemboweling myself.

But even the combined evil of RLH and Parking Management cannot compare to the darkest faction on this campus, which makes Satan's rectum look like the land of sunshine and gumdrops. I am, of course, talking about the soulless fiends of ARAMARK. Every time I come across one of these Fascists, I feel like another part of my very being has been destroyed. Last week in the Pit, I asked one of the ARAMARK managers if I could get mushrooms on my steak quesadilla, and she re-enacted scenes from The Exorcist, turning her head 360 degrees and projectile vomiting all over me. She then burned the ARAMARK of the beast on my forehead and made me eat raw goat meat.

I hope this serves as a warning to all those who thought that Wake Forest was free from the clutches of evil. Between the demons of RLH, the goosestepping power mongers in Parking Management, and Mussolini's project: ARAMARK, this university should be the first place to be purged in the Second Coming, which, as far as I'm concerned, can't come soon enough. And if the appearance of Jesus on campus a few weeks ago was any indicator of the Armageddon drawing nigh, then you better start asking yourself the ever-popular question, "what would Jesus do É for a Klondike bar?"

And there you have it, straight from the Horse's mouth.

Krys Mroczkowski, better known as "Horse," is a senior history major.