Unfortunately, convicted felons can't vote (I really thought that old man could outrun my car, but I was wrong), so I could not voice my opinions at the polls on Tuesday. I was, however, able to voice my opinions outside the polls, where I yelled at people to re-elect Mayor McCheese, who has been doing an excellent job staving off Hamburglar. I would later find out that McCheese wasn't even on the ballot! His seat must not be up for re-election this year.

Even if I could have voted in this election, I'm not sure I would have. Take a look at the candidates. First, there is Elizabeth Dole; she went to Duke and was a Tri Delt, making her slightly less appealing than a proctology exam from Captain Hook. Next, we have Erskine Bowles, whose name sounds like a container at a bris. Raleigh's News Observer reports that he fell out of a second-story window during a frat party while he was attending school at UNC. While this would be an excellent clip for the next Jackass movie, I would feel more comfortable voting for someone with a little more common sense, such as Sean Penn's character from I am Sam. And lastly, we have Sean Haugh, the third guy that most of the state, including his own family, didn't even know about.

Oddly enough, Haugh, a Libertarian Party candidate, did not win. Even with a valiant campaign trail, which included visiting local Harris Teeters and handing out free samples of cheese along with pieces of masking tape that had "Vote for Sean" written on them, and a catchy slogan ("Haugh for Senator ¯ it will keep him off the streets at night"), he was unable to secure more than nine votes.

Although I am not a political analyst, I don't think his Web site, seanhaugh.com, helped his cause. His loving family of five cats and three dogs and his proud declaration of the fact that he has not missed a single NASCAR race in the past three years does not scream, "I am a person that you want to entrust with power." To me it screams, "Punch me in the face!" I'm sure that his picture didn't earn him any popularity points either, seeing as how he makes Bill Gates look like GQ material. Tough luck on the loss, Poindexter. Why don't you get some Häagen-Dazs, watch Hope Floats with your cats and cry yourself to sleep, like the Theta Chi's do every night.

With Dole's victory in North Carolina and the Republican Party reclaiming the Senate, what changes can we expect to see in American politics? None. Don't get me wrong; I am proud to live in a country where I can have ALF, Carrot Top and Mr. T help me use the phone. But the fact remains that no matter who is in the House and Senate, our government will still be as dysfunctional as Ted Kennedy's liver. How is that guy still alive anyway? It looks like he ate the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

To get back to the point, as hyped up as this Election Day was, I don't foresee great change occurring anytime soon. In many ways, it reminds me of the futility of the Student Government elections we have on campus every year. No matter whom we vote for, nothing useful ever gets done. Way to go on that coffee shop/study area. Why didn't you just call it Shorty's II? How about you focus on something more important, like the drainage problems on campus. Just because I dressed up as Jesus for Halloween doesn't mean I want to be pulling my walking on water miracle every day that it rains (which seems to be everyday). It's like SG doesn't even listen to our requests. I have been pushing for a jousting tournament for four years now, and I have yet to hear a single proposal to get that started. If we can't rely on our local government to help us in our jousting and other endeavors, how can we ever expect to see it on a national level? I may sound unpatriotic, but until I see Dole brandishing a lance and a shield on top a mighty steed, I will remain skeptical.

And there you have it, straight from the Horse's mouth.