I know there will be a number of parents who read this helpful guide, but for those of you who have not yet brought forth a progeny into the world, don't turn away so soon. Chances are that you want to become a parent someday (and even if you don't want to, that you will), and the message of my holiday shopping primer here is intended for both present and future parent alike.

This holiday shopping guide isn't like the general ones that you may see in the coming weeks. I mean, come on, whatever it is that you buy for your 3-year old, whether it be the newest toy on the market or a cardboard box with the words "Super Rocket Ship" written on the side, he's going to enjoy the thing for a while and then leave it behind and decide that he needs to figure out what the stuff the dog is eating tastes like. And as far as your child older than age 13 is concerned, just buy the kid Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. He's going to end up playing it at a friend's house anyway, where he'll have no supervision while playing at all. At least that way you can reassure yourself that, even though he's virtually beating up that prostitute, you can look on and tell him how wrong doing such a thing is in real life.

Anyway, this isn't one of those guides. Instead, this is a guide of etiquette. I'm sorry to say it, but in my few years as a KB Toys "fun expert" (that's what the name tag says), it has come to my attention that the parents that bring their children to the store have no idea what they're doing there. And worse yet, the ones that are there sans children end up looking even more childish.

Here are some tips and some dos and don'ts for you so you don't look like a complete moron this holiday season:

1) Find out the name of what you're looking for.

It's amazing to me how many people will come into a toy store with something specific in mind to buy for their child, and have no idea what it's called. Look, if your kid told you she wanted a "Singing Divas Karaoke Set," write it down for criminy's sake. This is the reason the whole idea of Christmas lists began ­ so that the parents wouldn't have to come into the store and ask, "Excuse me, sir, but I was wondering if you had any 'Singing Karake Demons.'" Get your child to write it down for you, for crying out loud. And if they can't write, bring them to the store before you actually go shopping, have them point what they want out to you, and then write it down. It's not that hard.

2) Don't expect the employees to know.

Look, we can't watch every TV commercial.

In fact, the honest truth is that, despite the fact that the people at the toy store are indeed child-like, they are not children. They do not watch every TV show that your child does, and thus, do not see every commercial.

So don't come into the store asking, "Do you have that thing that they advertise on TV?" One, because there are lots of things advertised on TV, like Herbal Essences shampoo, which the store definitely does not have; and two, because the employee you're asking would probably have no idea what it is you're talking about to begin with. Once again, it all comes down to being observant. Find out exactly what's being advertised on TV rather than simply coming to the realization that a commercial is on. It'll help immensely.

3) You can touch, but be civilized about it.

Contrary to popular belief, you can, in fact, push the button on the demo stuff and not infuriate the employees of the store. If they don't want to hear it, they'll turn it off. However, it's a good idea to only push once, and when you do, to not tell the employee behind the counter to "Look!"

There was only one demo item at KB that I honestly hated beyond words. It was this little stuffed parrot that repeated what you said. It wasn't so much the fact that it talked or made noise as much as the fact that the only thing anyone could ever think of to say to the thing was either nonsense words or childish swears ("poop" was fairly popular). This was true for both adults and children.

However, the worst thing you can possibly do in reference to a demo item is to ask the question: "You probably get pretty tired of hearing these toys all day, don't you?" The honest answer to this question is no. It's pretty easy to phase out the noise after a while. If anything, the music loop that runs over the PA of the store is infinitely more annoying.

So just push the button and move on.

Happy shopping!

Matt Wilson is a sophomore who writes on campus life.