Unfortunately, I am already behind in the job hunt, because, while the majority of my peers have spent this semester worrying about their next interview, I have spent it worrying if there was enough dehydrated cheese powder to put on my Easy Mac.

Therefore, to get back on track I went to Career Services and asked them to find me a job. But apparently, that's not what they do there, and they told me to instead bring in a copy of my résumé. All I had prepared at that point was an old Waffle House placemat with the words "I grajooated" written in crayon on the back, and the junior jumble solved after numerous tries (the answer was 'cat'). I was told that this was "unsatisfactory."

Nevertheless, I am confident that the very fact that I will have a degree from Wake Forest will get me a job somewhere. After all, with the sliding economy and decreasing job market, the first people that employers look to hire are history majors, right?

What was I thinking when I declared history as a major? I guess the real reason I chose history is because Wake Forest didn't offer a major in Diva. Therefore, I planned to double major in history and biology, but I dropped bio for many reasons. First of all, I am lazy, and it was a lot of work. Secondly É well, like I said, I'm lazy.

My brilliant decision to drop biology (no doubt the result of my excess consumption of Drano) has left me with very few options. I can either open a history factory or teach. Since teaching appeals to me as much as a bleach enema and the damn unions run all the history factories, I will probably end up serving food to all of you next year at Benson. I've already gotten a head start on my career there by knocking out several teeth and developing a severe hatred for anyone that talks to me. And while this may not be my dream job, at least I can take comfort in the fact that I won't be alone in my misery.

Undoubtedly, there will be countless other Wake graduates who will be my neighbors while I'm living in the ever popular van down by the river. Allow me to predict the future for the other liberal arts majors: Sociology majors ¯ it's a good thing you studied social classes, because you are now the lowest one. Spanish majors ¯ face it, the world deals in dollars and deutschmarks, not pesos. Lo siento. Communication majors ¯ the local library offers help to illiterate adults. Have the person reading this to you help you find your way there. Religion majors ¯ unless you are a pedophile, you have no chance of getting a job. Spend your free time praying for my soul. Political science majors ¯ your major is a science like Kwanzaa is a holiday. You basically got the history major for "special students." And last and most certainly least are philosophy majors ¯ you'll never get a job, but at least you'll know why. Be like Socrates, question this article, and drink a hemlock smoothie.

There are more worthless majors offered here than the ones I have listed, but as earlier established, I am so very, very lazy, and do not wish to write about all of them. By the way, that's why I didn't write a column last week, in case you were wondering. I told most people I was really busy and couldn't turn one in, but that was pretty much a lie. I guess you'll learn not to trust me again. See, you really can learn from history! I guess it's not completely worthless after all É no, wait, I was lying again. It is completely worthless. But the bottom line is, no matter how useless my major is, I can always rest easy knowing that I am guaranteed a better career than that annoying kid from the Dell commercials. "Dude, you're getting a welfare check."

And there you have it, straight from the Horse's mouth.