Why do pre-teens need cell phones? Do they have them so that they can call their friends and tell them about the two-for-one sale on adolescent thongs at The Limited Too? I want to meet the parents of these kids and dropkick them in the head so I can say, "Can you hear me now? Good!" I'm lucky to have a cordless phone, let alone a cell phone. For the past seven semesters, I've been using two cups and a string.

Everywhere I go, I hear cells phones going off É at restaurants, the movies, in class, at church. If I were God (and someday I will be), and I heard a cell phone go off in church, I would bring down the Armageddon right then and there, and mankind as we know it would cease to be, all because some jackass got a call from his 12-year-old daughter asking him for more money to buy shorts that say "Bad Girl" on the butt.

But perhaps I am being hasty. Maybe I am just jealous, and that is causing me to lash out at all the souls fortunate enough to have cell phones. I have always felt a void in my own being that I thought could only be filled by altruistic sacrifice, but maybe I just need a Nokia. Unfortunately, since I'm so poor that I can't even afford to pay attention, a cell phone is out of my financial reach right now.

However, I have devised a solution to this problem. Fulfilling part of my community service sentence (since apparently defecation on university property is not considered gardening, but is instead a first degree misdemeanor), I have founded my very first charity ¯ The Help Horse Get A Cell Phone Campaign.

It's hard to believe, but there are as many as seven people on campus who do not have cell phones, and I am one of them. I know this may come as a surprise to you, like it did to me. I went through a long stage of denial, where I used my wallet as a kind of Star Trek-like communicator, pretending to receive calls in the middle of class so as not to let on to my secret. But I have since learned not to be ashamed of my problem, and I want to educate the public about it.

Therefore, I am requesting that the fraternities and sororities of Wake Forest University (with whom I am on such good standing) help me raise awareness on campus. I think Piccolo has had a monopoly on charitable drives for long enough. I already have some great ideas for fundraisers. Allow me to present them:

Instead of Triple Play with Tri Delt, I suggest Get to Third Base with a Tri Delt. While the most I've heard anyone get from a Tri Delt is a cheap feel and an hour-long sermon, I think this could still be a very successful event. Father Jude will be the umpire.

In place of Run with the Deacs, I propose Run with University Police, which pits students against the police in a test of fitness and endurance. I expect this to be a very popular event, since Stephen Hawking could out run our Five-O.

Hopefully, these events, along with whatever money I can make from pawning off laptops I 'acquired' in the library, will raise enough cash to purchase a cell phone for yours truly. Of course, it would come complete with all the necessary accessories, such as a flashing face plate with multiple colors, guaranteed to send anyone who looks directly at it when it rings into a severe seizure. It would also have to come with cool animations, games, ring tones, a flux capacitor, an alchemy set and whatever else is a standard addition to cell phones nowadays.

With your help, this dream can become a reality. No longer will I make the dreary trudge to class with my hands by my sides, forced to look at the fall foliage. Never again will I have to sit in awful silence in the library, feeling inferior because my backpack has not exploded with a digital melody of "Dixieland" or the theme song from Knightrider. I will finally be able to walk across the Quad, talking loudly to my friend who is only 100 yards away, telling him the trivial details of my day. I will also have a legitimate excuse for my poor driving skills.

I want to be able to put up an away message that says "call me on the cell," or "hit me on the hip." I want to subject myself to brain tumors. I just want to be normal!

And there you have it, straight from the Horse's mouth.