So, since others have failed, I will detail some sure winners. Because it's about that time in the semester when either you and your roomie are cemented for life, or you wish he or she would have the sudden urge to get married and move far, far away ¯ assuming someone would take them.

Listen up kiddies: if you are going to do it, you need to do it right!

1. Turn up your computer speakers and blast obnoxious music 24 hours a day. I suggest some polka, death metal (think Marilyn Manson), or just cheesy '80s hair bands, all readily available off Morpheus ¯ not that you downloaded that onto your university property laptop!

2. Keep the door locked all the time, even when you're inside. Constantly reaching for keys or having to bang on the door with a month's worth of laundry in their arms is enough to piss the sweetest people off, and your roommate's practically an ogre, so it's bound to work!

3. Drink all their juice, Sun Drop, Kool-Aide, Slim Fast, milk, coffee. Whatever it is that they love and stockpile wildly, drink it. If you can't finish it all, drink half and then water the rest down. Either they will think they're imagining things or that you're a bastard trying to cover your tracks. So you're set.

4. Hit 'em where it really hurts ¯ go for the food. I'm not talking saltines, either. It's all about their sugar stash: Milky Ways, ice cream, E. L. Fudge's. And if you don't know what these are, they're approximately a million dollars at sundry ¯ go get some. Eat all but the tiniest portion. A little remnant of ice cream at the bottom of the pint, half a flavor-ice, a single cookie. Just enough to start their craving, but nowhere near enough to finish it off. The late-night runs to the vending machine will slow your obnoxious roommate down for sure.

5. If they are neat, rearrange their CDs or toss ALL your excess clothes around the room. If they are messy, tidy up. Clean the floor, dust the shelves, and arrange their cracker boxes in alphabetical order. And do a little every day. EVERY day.

6. Hum. Even better, take a cue from Winnie-the-Pooh and make up lyrics for your tune. For example: "If I were a bug, what bug would I be? I'd be a little grasshopper or a stingy little bee." I mean, it's lame, it's girly, and it'll work because they will think that you're the one bound for an asylum. Little do they knowÉ

7. Get your RA to organize a "Screw your roommate over" dance. Our dorm is having one, and they're supposed to be all in good fun. Yeah, whatever. Instead, look everywhere for the perfect undate-able date. Introduce yourself to people you see at the Pit. Check out all the guys playing video games and the girls that are always humming. You're bound to find a winner somewhere. And I hate to say it, but if you are still struggling, check out Johnson on a Friday night.

8. Sexile your roommate every night. Even if you couldn't ever get any from anyone, ever. Just invite a friend of the opposite sex over, chill and watch a movie. You could also just put up your secret "I'm having madddd sex" sign on your door, lock it, and fall into a blissful sleep. Ahhhh É

9. If you feel bad about the sexile-age without really getting any, instead set your alarm to go off really, really, really early in the morning. And leave it. Ignore it. Roll over and return to that blissful sleep. Especially if you are in the bottom bunk. Because he's going to have to climb all the way down, figure how to turn it off and climb all the way back up. And if he didn't do it right the first time, he'll have to get up again. Alarm clocks are a beautiful thing.

10. Get someone, anyone ¯ mom, dad, boy/girlfriend ¯ to call about five or 10 times a day. The sheer volume of interruptions and messages is sure to displease. And it's not like she can criticize your mom, because she makes REALLY good cookies.

11. Spread your crumbiness all over the room. Eat in a different little corner everyday. Eventually, after enough nastiness has accumulated, they will crack and borrow a vacuum or scream hysterically at you about your general skanky habits. Promise!

12. Hang up psychotic posters all over your side of the room. Not just really bright, annoying ones, but weird ones too ¯ pictures of squirrels, Marilyn Manson (he's a perpetual annoyance ¯ no apologies to anyone who finds him remotely handsome), Britney Spears, "Dirrty" Christina Aguilera. We're talking about pictures that reveal a hint of the inner demonic. You'll know it when you see it.

Those are winners. Granted, there are only 12, not 101, but over time, 12 is all it really takes. If the spirit really moves you, you can do the normal things: not shower, use their toothbrush, and run the hair dryer every morning at 7:30. By fall break your roommate will come into the room once a week to get laundry, if they can even through the door. If they still WANT to get in the door.

Happy ditching, and let me know how it turns out!