All right, all right, I'm sorry. I know there are many students roaming around our campus that are sickeningly pure, so maybe this doesn't apply to you. But it applies to your roommate, that girl who lives down the hall, the guy who lives in the suite next door.

Co-habitation is a relevant issue to many and I believe it is my duty to report my observations on the subject. So there.

First of all, I'd like to address the no co-habitation policy that the university upholds. This rule is among the many in our Guide to Community Living, and I swear they must have had it in mind when they ordered our beds. Yes, the beds are extra long. You've got to cater to the abnormally tall. You have to go out and buy extra long sheets just so they fit on your bed. You may think that they merely forgot to take into consideration the fact that students might want to spend the night with other students in these beds. Oh no. They knew what they were doing. It was an evil plan to force students to be as uncomfortable as possible when sharing a bed with someone else. The beds are ­ dare I say it ­ too narrow!

A very wise man revealed to me his feelings on this issue; he said that the beds in dorm rooms are a better contraceptive than anything Student Health hands out.

I may be alone in this, but sometimes I'd rather sleep by myself because of the ridiculous narrowness of these dorm beds. An egg crate can fix a lot of things, but not that.

I think you can argue that by purchasing these so-called "beds," the school reinforces the lack of healthy, committed relationships. I know I wouldn't like to lie in one of these narrow beds night after night with a guy snoring in my ear, pushing me against the wall to the point where I can't breathe, rolling around so much that I wake up every hour on the hour.

There are some solutions, however, to the narrow bed problem. Buy a futon. Everyone knows how comfortable they are. Okay, maybe not. Why not invest in an air mattress? They come in queen size. Of course, we'd probably need bigger dorm rooms for that É and there's always the chance your roommate will wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, jump off of the top bunk right onto you and your significant other, break some bones and pop the air mattress, but isn't it worth it?

All right, that doesn't really work either. What about slyly getting rid of your roommate, pushing the beds together, and sleeping on that? Ohhhhh, now we're talking. Now all you'd have to do is find a store that sold extra long, queen-size sheets. Dammit! We just can't win!

I've worked myself up into a frenzy and I didn't even start with the whole roommate issue. You know, when your roommate is hooking up and doesn't realize you're in the room and there's noises and bed shaking É blech. We'll save that story for another time.