But my favorite celebration to observe in October is, without a doubt, National Medical Archivist Month. Where would we be today without medical archivists? We'd be more lost than a Frenchman with a bar of soap. That is why I take this opportunity to honor these wondrous workers very seriously. And what better way to do that than to head on down to Student Health and show your love and appreciation for the impeccable job the medical archivists do there?

Therefore, on the first day of this month, I awoke at the crack of dawn to pay my respects to the unsung heroes of this campus. Unfortunately, since I haven't been to Student Health for quite a while, I forgot that their hours were from 11:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m., with an hour lunch break. Once I was finally let into the building, I had to wait in a line that was twice as long and three times slower than bread lines in 1950's Russia. To make the wait more pleasant, I was stuck between outcasts from the leper colony. By the time I finally got to the receptionist É I mean, medical archivist, instead of simply saying "thank you," I now had to be treated for malaria and lupus that I caught while waiting in line. Luckily, there was an opening in the schedule because some kid died before he was treated, so I took that time slot.

Since I had to wait another 45 minutes for the pseudo-doctor to see me, I treated myself to the extensive collection of reading material provided by Student Health, which included a torn-up Sports Illustrated from 1992 and a brochure highlighting "The Wonders of Chechnya." I figured the medical archivists would have a better selection to offer, but they were all very busy watching the line grow longer while they asked Joe Smith to spell his name again, but slower this time.

I was finally called in by the nurse and taken to a room where they told me they were going to draw blood to test me for mono. Apparently, this is all they know how to do down at Student Health. You can go in with a bone protruding from your leg, and you will be tested for mono, just in case.

Fortunately, it only took the nurse three attempts to find my vein this time. Usually, I get poked more than a Pi Phi's rear, but I was lucky enough to escape with only minor hemorrhaging on this visit.

Finally, I was taken to a room where the "doctor" would see me. I hesitate to use that word, since the first words out of this so-called professional's mouth were "Now, I'm not a certified physician, but É" He might as well have just said, "I'm not a real doctor, but I play one on TV". I would have felt more reassured being examined by Doctor Seuss. At least he could make up a rhyme about my symptoms. Student Health only has one real doctor, and he is there for about 20 minutes per semester. The rest of the people are just a bunch of guys who have seen ER a couple times and had a spare smock lying around.

So after being examined by this alleged medical student (who I swear I've seen bagging groceries at Lowe's), I went to get my prescription filled. It is obviously university policy that you are not allowed to leave Student Health without getting a prescription. A UPS deliveryman came in to drop off a package, but he wasn't allowed to leave until he got checked for mono and was given a bottle of out-of-date, watermelon-sized ibuprofen. I, on the other hand, was given the ever-popular "green cocktail." This is basically a concoction of diesel fuel and chalk, and apparently cures the flu, the common cold, gonorrhea, cirrhosis, hysterical pregnancy, AIDS, spinabifida and whatever else they misdiagnose you with É except for mono. By the way, have you been tested for that yet?

Instead of actually drinking the green cocktail, I put it in my bag so I could use it later to unclog my sink. I then went to see the medical archivists, who promptly told me that I owed them .75 for the visit. Since I only had five dollars on me, I paid the rest of the bill with my soul, which is the least I could do to celebrate the ever-revered National Medical Archivists Month.

And there you have it, straight from the Horse's mouth.