However, on our lovely university-owned ThinkPads, we are able to bask in the absolutely free and utterly scrumptious joy of - you know it, baby - AOL Instant Messenger. Displaying unbelievable insight into the minds of students, AIM was even pre-installed onto the freshmen's laptops. Life is good, indeed.

Oh yes, everyone's doing it. You IM your mom and save yourself the hassle of actually having to speak to her - "I got knocked off the network by accident, Mom. Sorry!" You IM the girl from biology, your boyfriend, your French tutor, your little sister, your hall mates. Even that weird kid from your history class who always kicks your chair gets a holler on occasion.

You know exactly what I'm talking about. You can pretend that you don't, but you are not really fooling anyone except your gerbil.

Sure, AIM's a great convenience. But the real reason that I'm always on AIM is yet another time-honored tradition: procrastination.

My Intro to Religion text truly captivates me, it does; I would just rather IM my father so he can nag - I mean, ask - about my classes (doesn't care if they aren't fun), church attendance (be there every Sunday), studying (every waking hour) and eating right (yes, he has banned Krispy Kreme).

There's still more allure to the "you can't see me, nannie nannie boo boo" aspect of AIM. I am able to mercilessly mock friends and family alike without getting beaten bloody afterwards. Also, I can hang out in my pajamas, my bathrobe, even my Billy Elliot tutu and still have a pseudo-normal social life.

Perhaps best of all, I can appear to be doing homework when I am in fact stuffing my face with Ben and Jerry's (who can go wrong with Phish Food?), courtesy of an away message.

Truly, away messages are the work of an unparalleled genius.

With the right away message, you can brighten someone's day or scare the crap out of him or her. Some classics are: "I'm naked É in the shower" (this can be horrifying or delightful, depending on the person), "Learning how to have class" (especially for the boys out there), "Has anyone seen Gumby!" (because it is the most random, odd away message ever), and a personal favorite, "I'm out pimping with several hot, preppy boys, but leave a message and I'll share some with you É maybe É come on, you either want some or you are one."

Though I cannot stop myself from proclaiming the greatness of AIM, I must admit that there are drawbacks.

AIM is an addiction. Snorting coke, watching Trading Spaces, shooting up, chowing on Krispy Kreme - they do not even begin to compare with the lovely world of AIM.

I mean, why would anyone actually want to go to sleep when he or she can converse with his or her friend's sister's roommate's ex-boyfriend? You could even fill a chat room with him, that freaky kid from history, some random 40-year-old man and the girl in the room next door.

And these days, you can direct connect with a "buddy," meaning you practically get a free phone call from AOL, but you have to refer to that person as a buddy. That's just wrong.

The image feature is also priceless. Trying to find out the name of that sexy boy in the basement? Just nonchalantly get a digital picture of him while you're cruising down the hall to the laundry room. IM it to everyone who could possibly know him, and - voila! Plus, you can send it out to all your friends who think that your life consists solely of AIM to prove them wrong.

Your life isn't sad if you're stalking someone who is actually cute É right?