With ESPN's debut of Beg, Borrow and Deal this week, the number of reality programs scheduled for this season has risen to 18,000, which includes other popular shows such as Survivor 3, Big Brother 3 and The Real World 42. Do we really have nothing better to do with our lives than to sit around and watch other people's lives? Perhaps viewers thought it was new and exciting three years ago, but now this reality craze has gone way too far.

Case in point ¯ The Anna Nicole Show. There is absolutely no justifiable reason to watch this show ever. If you accidentally pass it while flipping through the channels, you have already seen too much and should immediately douse your eyes with acid. If I wanted to see a bleached-blonde, goldbricking skank whose weight is three times her IQ make a complete fool of herself, I would go to a Chi Omega party. Watching this show is a total waste of 30 minutes of your life in which you could be doing something more productive and less humiliating, such as smashing your face into broken glass.

And then there is the ever-popular Survivor, which is headed to Thailand for its third season. To help build the suspense, the promoters have hinted at a new twist in the format of the show that will add danger and excitement. I am more excited for my next prostate exam.

The only thing the producers of Survivor could do to get me to watch the show is to make all the contestants use the university's toilet paper for the entire trip. Then they would understand true danger and pain. The toilet paper on campus is like Clint Eastwood: it's rough, gritty and doesn't take any crap. But enough about my hemorrhaging .

The fact is the people on these shows face no real danger. I put myself at more risk eating the lemon chicken from the Pit. Just because Corky from Survivor: Africa fell into a fire doesn't mean that the show is a life or death ordeal. It just displays that he is an idiot. If the Pikas can have a barbeque without anyone catching on fire, I think Survivor should be able to do the same.

But the most watched reality show on this campus is, without a doubt, MTV's The Real World. I cannot even begin to explain how much I hate this show. I would rather be an intern for Gary Condit than watch an entire episode of those drama queens. Against my wishes, MTV has set the new season in Las Vegas, as opposed to my suggestion of Kabul. It is there that seven new housemates will "start getting real" for your viewing pleasure. To get on this show, you have to meet three criteria: first, you must be good looking (sorry Chi Psi's); second, you must have a messed-up name (I was a shoe-in for this category) and finally, you must have the worst personality ever, which explains why Kappa Kappa Gamma has had so many sisters on the show.

Alas, my application to be a cast member was again denied, most likely due to my emphasis that I had a raging case of the clap which I was just itching to spread (pun intended). I thought it would add to the drama, but I guess I was wrong.

However, as ridiculous as these shows are, the majority of Americans love them. The ratings are huge, the contestants become celebrities and our language adopts their stupid catch phrases, such as "The tribe has spoken" and "You have been voted off the island." How about you vote my boot out of your colon. Maybe our country wouldn't be so fat if people got off their couches and went out to live their own lives instead of living vicariously through others.

The United States is the fat kid that all the other countries laugh at during recess, and I'm sick of it. We need to whip ourselves into shape and turn all the heckling onto Canada, where it belongs. So turn your television off, go outside and get some exercise, so the next time the Germans try to march over the globe we will be in shape and ready to look them in the eye and say, "Nein!"

And there you have it, straight from the Horse's mouth.