After this search was deemed fruitless, I decided to try a Yahoo! search for other college newspapers featuring a "Sex and the Campus" column. You never know where you'll find an idea, right? I typed in the words "sex and the campus" and was surprised by my findings. The search did not produce a list of college newspapers, but rather a list of various pornographic Web sites. I should have known that was going to happen, but what I didn't expect to find was a website called "Campus Escorts," a site where you can hire college-age male escorts.

Whoa! An Internet escort service that offers male companionship? I decided to check it out, seeing as a good man is very hard to find these days. I read the main page only to discover that the site is gay-owned and operated and only caters to "men who are looking for only the finest college-age escorts in the New York City Metropolitan area." It's not like I would ever actually order a male escort, but I was damn disappointed. Oh, the perks of being a gay male ¯ Internet escort services for the discriminating man.

Then I began to think: how much of what we do on campus is prostitution? Microsoft Bookshelf Basics (gotta love electronic dictionaries) gives two definitions for prostitution. The first is the most universal definition: "the act or practice of engaging in sex acts for hire." The second, however, was much more interesting. Prostitution is also defined as "the act or an instance of offering or devoting one's talent to an unworthy use or cause." According to this broad definition, anything can be considered prostitution!

Have you ever found yourself wondering why you're majoring in business when your true passion is art history? Perhaps you're doing it because you want to be able to get a better job after you graduate. You are devoting your talents to an unworthy cause! You are a prostitute! Are you in a dead-end relationship that you both know is over but you can't seem to find a way out? Prostitute! Are you spending an absurd amount of time studying for a test that you know you're going to fail anyway? Prostitute!

It almost makes me think that the university should pay us to engage in these unworthy causes. At least then it would legitimize the academic prostitution we call scholarship! No wonder we go out on weekends, get drunk and engage in primitive sexual behavior! We spend the week getting screwed by the school and we're paying them to do it! That would make the university our hooker (and a pricey one at that), but don't you think that we should get a little more pleasure out of it? Oh wait, I forgot about "free" laundry. That makes it all better.