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South is in a class by itself
By Rob Jackson
Guest Columnist

All of those who steer the roadways of America in a southern direction to reap the rewards of an education at this school have probably noticed it. Anyone who boards a jet to fly the expanse of thousands of miles to get here can’t have missed it.

And while any vagrant soul who wanders across the North Carolina border expecting to find themselves choking amidst mushroom clouds of second-hand smoke is just a bit misguided, the real cultural phenomena of the South should be none the less daunting.

Whether it is the product of a mere variance in temperament, a failure to recognize the culmination of the Civil War or a slight intolerance of anyone lucky or unlucky enough not to have contracted a Southern accent, there is something very different about the South.

Without confusing the policies of this university with the staples of Southern living, I have involuntarily detected the oddities on which the proud inhabitants of my new home call for comfort and reassurance.

Maybe it is my loss that I was raised without ever paying proper homage to the troops of the Union that fought only a century and a half ago. Or it could be my personal problem that I’ve never mustered the energy to properly support my region of the country for all of its unapproachable ideals and qualities.

I’ve just never felt inclined to publicize the trademarks of my home with the vehemence of an infomercial host.

The pinnacle of my home-state partisanship came last year when the Ohio State University football team beat the life out of the team from Ann Arbor in "The Big House." So yes, I guess I have developed a passionate interest in a local rivalry otherwise meaningless to those neutral on the topic.

But, here I have been indicted for mistreating the word "pop" and never having dined at Cookout, Chik-fil-A or Bojangles. If we are talking about a munchies spot such as Krispy Kreme, add me to the bandwagon. But, what causes such fervent adoration of certain vocabulary terms and typical fast-food establishments? I will admit that I’m a hard sell.

It all seems to have an undying link to many generations previous having fallen courageously at Gettysburg and Vicksburg. I do believe that the more reasonable and worthy side won that war. But regardless of how founded a tendency or penchant may be, should all of us out-of-towners be forced to submit ourselves to a population intent on surpassing their northern counterparts in every way possible?

While highly improbable, I may indeed grow fond of the dining institutions now easily accessible. And a "y’all" has already escaped my mouth against every premonition I’ve ever had. I just hope I don’t ever become an outlet by which Southern norms invade the entire country.

Almost as intriguing as all of these issues is the method by which our student body adorns our fine landscape. For a populace full of disdain for a very old wartime enemy, shouldn’t it be customary that the targets of our single-ply toilet paper be chosen out of spite? I once launched a toilet paper assault on my high school but I definitely didn’t consider the school to be my home. Without exception, my targets were either archrivals, unfriendly neighbors or a dreaded establishment of learning.

Do all of this university’s dedicated scholars dislike campus enough to tarnish their own stomping grounds? As is the case with many other habits down here, I can only assume that it has been done long enough for people to develop a love and appreciation for going to battle against the trees.

However critical I may seem, I’ll leave open the possibility of throwing toilet paper after a big basketball victory or maybe a football win over Florida State University. I just don’t understand what compels a true Southerner to engage in a ritual that to some extent blemishes their own image.

In fairness, I am forced to venture against my instincts that some Yankees have unusual tendencies and have also failed to live down their Civil War accomplishments.

I mean, if any northern practice has transferred to the South it has to be what is now referred to as "rolling the Quad." Has anyone ever determined which kids take the most liking to this tradition?

Maybe the war really hasn’t ended at all. It could be that it is now simply played out on a slightly more gentlemanly plan with weaponry snatched from the restroom facilities.

Rob Jackson is a freshman.