For those of us with parents who bought into that load of crap, we were exposed to our parents' particular musical inclinations and learned to hate their favorites from the start. In and out of the womb, music means so much to so many. Some people major in music and spend their lives in concert halls or on street corners. Some people work in the recording industry and rip off young, talented upstart bands or find new and inventive ways of destroying file-sharing.

For those of us who are not musically inclined or trying to create the next Milli Vanilli, music can serve different functions. It can make you happy when you're sad (N'SYNC, Hanson, Britney Spears), it can reinforce anger and frustration (Alanis Morrissette in the Jagged Little Pill years), or it can bring back memories (you know, that song you danced to with the captain of the football team at the senior prom -- what a hottie!).

There's one other function that music has traditionally served: it puts you in the mood. You know, THE mood. There's no denying it; music makes us horny. The funny thing is, different musical styles get you in the mood for different kinds of action. To explain this inexplicable phenomenon, I've compiled a list of songs that are guaranteed to get your blood boiling and your boots knocking.

Anything John Mayer or John Mayer-esque. This includes everything John Mayer has ever recorded or has yet to record, old school Vertical Horizon, David Gray, etc. É Perhaps it is the soft, quiet, acoustic feel of the music that makes us want to sit with a loved one and just make out. Whatever the case, throw some John Mayer into your CD player and you're guaranteed to get a little lovin' because, after all, "your body is a wonderland."

Songs that have a blatantly sexual theme. In the immortal words of Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up," "a tick-tock, you don't stop stop." Any song with the word sex in the title is bound to up the temperature. Tone Loc's "Wild Thing" is another example, as is ANYTHING by Marvin Gaye ("Sexual Healing," "Let's Get It On"). Be careful with Marvin, though. He is very powerful. If you're alone with a member of the opposite sex and "Let's Get It On" starts playing, it's a dead giveaway and you'll either be shot down or given the green light. Use him wisely and he will treat you well. Use him unwisely and, well, I'd advise against it.

Rhythm and Blues/Hip Hop. There is nothing more sexual than R&B. "Peaches and Cream" by 112, Ginuwine's "My Pony," Tupac's "How Do You Want It," and how could anyone forget L.L. Cool J and "Doin' It"? "It's our first time together and I'm feelin' kinda horny./Conventional methods of makin' love kinda bore me." Now if that doesn't put you in the mood, I don't know what will. Also, one cannot forget Boyz II Men and their ballads of love such as "I'll Make Love to You."

Old School Rock and Roll. There is nothing sexier than "Freebird." Nothing. I don't care who you are, how old you are, where you're from, your race, ethnicity, or religious credo. "Freebird" is the ultimate hookup song. But, on the other hand, there is Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light," and Elvis. Anything Elvis.

Pop. Cheesy pop songs have made a sexual evolution. For example, "Slave 4 U" by Britney Spears ... DAMN. For a "virgin," she sure sounds like a slut. Chris Isaak and "Wicked Games" has been a libido enhancer for as long as I can remember. "Like a Virgin"? Oh yes, touched for the very first time, Madonna was a pioneer in making pop songs sex anthems. We salute you, Madonna.

Techno. Though I'm not a fan, I've heard that techno is a great aphrodisiac. Apparently, Sonique's "Feels So Good" is the best song to hook-up to in the history of music. Though that's more mainstream techno, I've also heard that Darude's "Sandstorm" is right up there too. To each his own.

I'm sure that there are lots of songs that I have forgotten to mention. These are only my most obvious choices for a "Hook-up Mix" CD. I'm sure there are people out there who find Barney sing-along songs arousing, but that makes you a freak.

You may think that "I love you, you love me, we're a great big family" describes an animalistic orgy with a purple dinosaur as the main event. If so, you're wrong, you're sick and you need help.