Now, you must realize that my beloved is as interested in large, burly men running around in circles while dressed in overly constricting spandex uniforms as she is in differential equations. It's just not gonna happen. Her sports-induced apathy is to be expected, though -- she has never once stepped onto a football field, nor would she ever want to. So her natural inclination to detest football is pretty much a given.

The same goes for all sports. Of course, I would never be caught even distributing water to the fourth string roster fillers in fear of getting accidentally pummeled -- even if I had on pads -- and I'm about as interested in the sport as they come. Sorry, those guys are about seven times as big as me.

The point is, there I was, discussing sports with someone who I knew was only humoring me. Wide eyed but yawning internally, she asked me, "What's the most exciting event in sports?"

Whoa. There was a doozy.

I was flabbergasted; I had no answer. There I was, brimming with confidence harvested by years of boxscore scanning and recap reading, and I was searching for my retort. I blurted out, because it was tourney time, "The NCAA basketball tournament."

Was I right? Was that even what I really thought in the first place? Well, I started thinking about it. And I found myself coming up with some very odd choices:

5. The Masters

Say what? That's right. Golf -- it's low impact, sure. It may be a sport, and it may not. That's not the issue here, though.

The greatest thing about golf is that the major tournaments last four days -- not too long, but just long enough. There's the grass, the great weather and lots and lots of vendors. I play golf about as well as I fly a fighter plane, and I hardly watch the PGA besides the major tournaments.

But there's just something about the Masters -- the mystique of Augusta National and all of the memorable shots made by the great golfers of the last century. You can bet that a premier golfer always wins The Masters. Only the best conquer Augusta National because the course is so blooming hard.

4. The Ryder Cup

I swear. I have no incoming checks from the PGA intended to reward me for giving the tour a generous injection of publicity.

I still have the most recent Ryder Cup event fresh in my mind, and for those of you who watched the entire event, you'll agree with me. The performance by the Americans was one of the best comebacks ever orchestrated. And who can forget the players' wives frolicking on the green after Justin Leonard nailed the winning putt? Classic.

3. The Stanley Cup Playoffs

The top three could go in any order. I am not a huge hockey fan by any means. Even though I was born and semi-raised in the North, I don't follow the sport very closely.

My beloved town of Cleveland doesn't even have an NHL team, which makes matters worse. And I won't be able to root for the Blue Jackets for at least another two seasons -- they don't quite yet resemble a real NHL team.

I love the fact that the Stanley Cup Playoffs are so long. All of those seven-game series and multiple- overtime games.

Mmmm.

Call me superficial, but the Stanley Cup is the best looking of all the major sports trophies.

A trophy needs to be held above one's head with two hands, and a victory lap needs to be like lifting a recliner above your head while sweating and panting for a few hundred feet.

2. Men's NCAA Basketball

Tournament

64 teams. So much parity, so little time. This year's tournament had its fair share of Cinderella stories, which are simply the best kind, especially in a college arena where players (technically) aren't getting financially reimbursed for their services. It's all about the game.

Most of the battles are ridiculously competitive, and like every year, my bracket was scratch paper only one hour into the tournament. I had lost three games by the end of the first day. I'm no Miss Cleo.

1. The World Series

It's been a great year for patriotism: it's gone from being a noble and honorable trademark that emerged from Sept. 11 to a kitschy American flag sticker that people slap on their trapper keepers.

So I'll give in to the trend and declare the World Series, the most American sporting tradition, to be the most exciting event in sports.

Baseball may be horribly mismanaged, but it's still entertaining. What's more entertaining than Bob Costas and Tim McCarver bickering about the validity of the hit and run?