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What it's like being a columnist
By Ryan Eanes
Student Columnist

I think the worst natural enemy that a writer can have — and this includes babyish, juvenile writers who are asinine and attempt to be humorous in attempts to bring joy to their nine estimated total readers (such as myself) — is the inability to come up with something to write about, and that’s exactly what’s been happening to me for the past month.

That and I’ve had lots of homework to do. But let’s not dwell on that.

So even now I’m writing with really no column "topic," per se, in mind, as I normally do. Usually I write about something so specific that no one cares about it — for instance, how the Disney Channel is evil, or about how chicken sandwiches are yummy, or about how I was able to draw the Coca-Cola logo in Microsoft Paint on my laptop because I was bored in class.

I recall that recently another OGB columnist who was also suffering from writer’s block requested column ideas from his friends, so I did the same via "away message" on AOL Instant Messenger. The approximately four total responses indicated to me that either (1) practically no one reads my away messages, (2) no one even knows that I write for the paper, or that (3) no one had any ideas that even I would find blab-worthy.

The few ideas that I did get weren’t quite within my realm of experience. One girl suggested that I write about "those tacky purses that everyone seems to be carrying," but I didn’t know what she was talking about nor did I care to go to Wal-Mart as she suggested to find out.

Several other people suggested topics such as "fly fishing" or "chess," and while those activities may be enthralling to some, I don’t think that I could work any magic to make them funny unless I was discussing a hook-and-lure related injury or about the time I lost that chess game to my four-year-old sister.

Someone also suggested that I should discuss the impact of campaign finance reform on ham radio participation, but I reminded the individual that I have the political knowledge of an empty tube of Colgate toothpaste.

So, even though ideas seem to be slow in coming, I’m going to retain my self-imposed job of attempting to bring levity to the newspaper … although sometimes I think I’d be more successful at spinning plates or belly dancing.

So let me take a little time out of trying to be funny to tell you how it really is in the newspaper world. Back in the day when I first started in the newspaper biz, I stood on cold, cold street corners in my threadbare hand-me-down jacket that my father wore every day until he died of the plague, and I sold the Times for just a nickel to strangers who often brushed against me inappropriately. Those were hard times – oh wait, that wasn’t me. Never mind.

When I started writing, though, I did seem to think that just because I was a "valued columnist" I would immediately be lavished with a luxurious office overlooking the entire campus, from which I could peer down upon all the drone-like students below as I carefully crafted witty drivel that would bring levity and mirth to their disenfranchised lives.

What I’ve actually GOTTEN, though, is an early deadline and a few phone calls from editors saying that they can’t use my material because someone will probably be offended. This is a good thing for me because many, many times (in real life too) I often am forced to open my mouth and insert my foot.

Someone once said to me, "You know, Ryan, you’re considered to be a ‘public figure’ because your opinion appears in a recognized publication." That remains a horrifying, sobering thought for me. It’s shocking to think that my poorly thought out and often misconceived opinions that are shoddily disguised as some form of "humor" appear on the printed page cause me to be some form of a "campus celebrity."

This is because stating your opinions and telling it the way you see it is not always a positive and rewarding experience. Every issue seems to have two sides, and every argument has some sort of rebuttal. That’s why The O’Reilly Factor on Fox News Channel is so popular — even if you hate him, you tune in specifically so you can hate him and jeer and boo and mutter profanities.

It’s the same way when you write anything that the public can read, apparently. One person may read what I write and laugh at it because it’s funny – or at least I try and make it that way, but another person may skim through my column and turn the page because they think it’s nothing but a waste of time. Both opinions are equally valid, and who am I to say who is right or wrong?

I’m a person, just like any one of you, even though I’m admittedly eccentric. I don’t drink, I’m not a huge partier and I’m independent, but does that make my opinions any less valid than yours? I make TV shows, I’m generally quiet, I spend more time on the phone or IM than the average student because most of my close friends go to other schools or live in other states, and yes, I listen to Barry Manilow – believe me, I think I’m as freakish as you do. But does any of that somehow make me "wrong?"

People who are bold enough to state their opinions, tell their stories or (in my case) make fools of themselves should be applauded for opening themselves to criticism – because it’s sure to come. It’s inevitable, really. And that’s OK with me. So I will stand proudly by my weird sense of humor and continue to deprecate myself weekly on the pages of the OGB … and maybe if I’m lucky, you’ll laugh. That’s all I want.