Holiday shopping made easy
By Jay Cridlin

Here on a college campus like ours, there is no holiday-time tradition more meaningful and heartfelt than purchasing cheap gifts.

Let’s see a show of hands — how many of you have, at one time or another, purchased Christmas or Hanukkah gifts at the Deacon Shop, simply because you could pay for them with Deacon Dollars? Hundreds of you. How else would they be able to move all those “Wake Forest Grandmother” sweatshirts?

Giving student account-funded Christmas gifts is a longtime college tradition, dating back to the Enlightenment, when a young Voltaire, studying at Jesuit College in Louis-le-Grand, France, purchased his mother a “Go Jesuit Wildcats! Beat the Sorbonne Aggies!” hooded poncho.

Freshmen in particular should consider doing all their shopping on campus. Think about it — you’ve got a clean slate! No one in your family owns any university merchandise yet! Just run to the Deacon Shop, grab a random assortment of coffee mugs and tank tees and whip out the old Deacon OneCard.

If you haven’t noticed by now, the OneCard is like the ultimate credit card, since Deacon Dollars are not technically legal tender. They’re more like canteen chits that, judging from the prices at the Sundry Shop, perform quite poorly against the U.S. dollar.
Nevertheless, this holiday season there are many lovely items to think about purchasing for your loved ones. Let us run down a list and check it twice:

Earth Henna Body Painting Kit and Mendhi Book, $27 in University Bookstore — Let’s face it: we all have friends who would be much more attractive if mottled with large splotches of improperly applied ink. And a do-it-yourself Henna kit would certainly take care of that. Give this to your six-year-old sister and watch your parents bite their lips in dread.

Studies in Utilitarianism, edited by Thomas K. Hearn Jr., $18.95 in bookstore — This is the ultimate gift for that special someone who’s always had a soft spot for, um, utilitarianism. Truly, this is the one gift this holiday season that says, “I desperately need a letter of recommendation.”

Thirty-two-gallon cart on casters, $79 in bookstore — Or, as it is sometimes known on the planet Earth, a recycling bin. More specifically, it is a recycling bin that is identical to the recycling bins scattered across campus. I include it here only for its potential to be used as part of an elaborate prank involving a tape recorder and a Cabbage Patch doll, not that I would ever suggest such a thing.

Burt’s Bees Bay Rum Aftershave Balm, $12 in bookstore — Do the Baptists know we’re selling this? I’m a busy man, so I don’t have time to read the back of the bottle. All I noticed was the word “rum,” indicating to me that this gift might be a good idea for your less discriminating drinking buddies, persons who regularly drink things like Five Alive mixed with nail polish remover. This gift would go well with …

Wake Forest champagne glasses ($15.95) and shot glasses ($5), Deacon Shop — For the alcoholic in the family. The university line of brandy snifters, whiskey flasks and little brown jugs labeled “XXX” will be available this spring.

Libby’s Potted Meat Food Product, Sundry Shop — Much like the elusive Furby, this may be the hardest gift to come by this Christmas. I found a tiny can of Libby’s Potted Meat Food Product in a back corner of the Sundry Shop with no price sticker. When I asked the cashier for the price, she replied, “We sell this?” Expiration date: no man can say.

Ten square feet of bubble wrap, $2.49 in bookstore — I can’t believe this isn’t flying off the shelves. Just saying the words “ten square feet of bubble wrap” is enough to make grown men quiver with anticipation. It’s a good thing. I really treasure it.

Demon Deacon “I ‘Heart’ North Carolina” novelty license plate keychain, $3.25 in Deacon Shop — The perfect gift for that emotionally conflicted father who lives in Chapel Hill but whose daughter attends Wake Forest.

Red Man chewing tobacco, $2.55/pouch in Sundry Shop — Yes, Virginia, there apparently are tobacco-chewers on campus. Why not give them the gift that keeps on giving them gingival carcinomas all year round? For especially festive packaging, why not wrap the present in a gift certificate from Student Health?

So there you have it, children. You have my utmost assurance that any one of these gifts will bring tears to the eyes of the recipient. I’m giving five-to-two that they’re tears of joy. It is up to you to uphold the great collegiate tradition of purchasing the cheapest gifts availa0ble for your family. Because if you, personally, don’t purchase the Demon Deacon trailer hitch, then the terrorists have already won.