Many gays struggle with coming out
By Nathan Gunter
Student Columnist

So for the first time I sit down to write with a real purpose, rather than just letting myself pick an object or a thought at random and follow it to its conclusion. I sit down to write with something vital to say. I come to these pages with something very difficult to express.

Today, Oct. 11, is National Coming Out Day. Today is the day to take a very fearful and very exciting step. Today is the day to speak about something that we’ve relegated to dark places and scary corners. Today is a day when fear doesn’t get to be a part of the equation anymore. Today is a day when freedom is all about honesty.

How do I write about what it’s like to wrestle with one’s sexual orientation? Try to understand how much of your life is formed by your sexuality and by your notions of it. We define ourselves and our roles and places in society by our gender. We have this idea of what an American life will be like for us, the middle-to-upper class, the well-educated, the successful. You’re always kind of inundated with the idea that you’ll meet some person of the opposite gender and fall in love and your life will finally begin (or end, but we’re not here to discuss your issues with marriage).

Sadly, our stereotypes of gays and our ideas of what “gay culture” is are not good or healthy ones. And by coming out, you think you’re immediately binding yourself to conform to those stereotypes, and to participate in the aspects of what society has touted as “gay culture.” We’ve been raised around people who use the word “gay” to call something stupid or useless. In middle-to-upper class America, being gay is shameful. For whatever reason – theology, psychology or just the plain fact that people won’t like you, love you or want to be around you anymore – we are scared to talk about who we are and how we feel.

Coming Out Day is a day when fear doesn’t get to play a part of that anymore. Whether you use this day to actually come out – and there are those of you out there who haven’t told a soul – or whether you have your own personal Coming Out Day (or week, or month, or, in my case, two years), it’s about a time when you decide that being scared, being quiet, being withdrawn when everyone starts pointing out that hot girl in calculus class, or dreaming of the cutest new boy at work. It’s a time when you can finally talk about how you feel.

Someone said to me yesterday, “I define myself as a human being first, a Christian second, a gay man third.” For those of you who are straight, who have no idea how to deal with the folks in your life who are gay or who you’re wondering about, Coming Out Day is a day when you can reach out to someone in love.

The Apostle John tells us “Perfect love drives out fear.” Use this day to reach out to someone in love, leaving value judgments at the door by just listening. Say, “I don’t know how to love you. I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t know … please help me to understand.” Let perfect love drive out fear on this day.

Coming Out Day is a day to ask questions and get answers with an air of mutual respect. It’s a day when stereotypes don’t get to count anymore. It’s a day when you can come to any of the Gay-Straight Student Alliance executive board members – look on our Web site – and talk about how you’re feeling. It’s a day when you can be as open or as confidential as you like about your questions, fears, trepidations and frustrations. It’s a day when those can fade and for once you can be who you are without them.

We live in a culture that doesn’t know how to love or how to seek understanding. Today is Coming Out Day. Despite the fact that it’s been the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do, and it’s taken almost as long as a seven-year itch and I still don’t know how to deal with all my questions and theological trepidations and the stereotypes and culture or anything, Coming Out has made life less of a stressful thing. It’s freed me from having to carefully choose my words and behaviors. It’s freed me from calculating and contriving everything I do so that “no one will suspect.” It’s freed me from lying. It’s made life less of a lie and more of a joy. It’s made me more human.

“Human beings are more alike than we are unalike,” Maya Angelou, the Reynolds professor of American studies, is fond of saying. If you’re straight, use this day to reach out and understand how you are like those in the gay community. If you’re gay, take this day and understand that being gay doesn’t make you less of a person. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t loveable or that no one will want to be around you. Talk to someone about it. Be open. Feel a huge weight lift off your shoulders, because I promise you, you will.