Flavored condoms add more pleasure to intimacy

“Sex and the Campus” is a regular column exploring the social and sexual climate at the university. The column is written by a junior under a pseudonym in odrer to maintain her sexual anonymity.

The lights are low. Soft music plays in the background. Candles, while illegal in dorm rooms, are lit, providing a soft glow on two people sitting on a dirty, smelly and quite possibly diseased second-hand couch.

There’s cuddling. The cuddling leads to kissing. Suddenly the temperature in the room skyrockets. Pulses are racing. The sexual tension is so intense that it feels like a concrete wall that is just waiting to be penetrated.

No words are spoken. In situations such as these, words are not necessary; sometimes they provide stumbling blocks to highly anticipated pleasures.

Silently, the wants and desires of these two people are understood. Slowly, they make their way towards the promised land. His inner monologue is saying, “YES! But wait ... I like this girl. I want her to enjoy this as much as I do. Ahhh, wait, I forgot. I planned ahead.”

“Hey, hold on a minute,” he says cautiously, praying she doesn’t change her mind. “I went down to student health today and I picked something up that we might want to try.” He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a condom. A look of shock clouds her face, and immediately he becomes wary. “Oh no! I don’t want to have sex with you … yet. It’s a flavored condom. Do you like bananas?”

According to North Carolina state law, the act that is about to take place is considered as a “crime against nature.” Folks, let’s be honest. You have to admit that there is something a little awkward about oral sex.

Perhaps by offering those oh-so-popular flavored condoms at Student Health Services, the powers-that-be at the university have decided to promote safe oral sex as an alternative to promiscuous sexual intercourse.

Yeah, right. Did the university really think that the advent of flavored condoms would bring about a sexual revolution? Is Student Health Services trying to promote oral sex as a “safer” alternative to intercourse, or are they trying to increase the woman’s pleasure during oral sex by offering a variety of flavored condoms to the masses?

If the aim of these flavored condoms is to produce a more pleasurable experience of oral sex, they really should have an administrative meeting and come up with a comprehensive guide to pleasuring your partner. I’m not just talking about how to pleasure your woman; some girls need a little coaching too.

“The Comprehensive Guide to Oral Sex: How to Send Your Partner to Heaven and Back in 10 E-Z Steps” should definitely be available to all students on our campus. This informative package should cover everything from foreplay to technique to the after-sex smoke.

What most people, men and women alike, don’t realize is that performing on a guy can be fun for everyone. It’s true that most guys - all right all guys - like oral sex, but if you go about it a certain way, the girl can enjoy herself as well. Bestowing the privilege of oral sex on a guy is empowering to a woman because it is a gift a woman bequeaths to her man. If you stop in the middle of the action, your guy could quite possibly be reduced to tears. Ladies, having that kind of power is good.

Gentlemen, if you have in your power the skill to bring a woman over the brink of ecstasy, you can bet that she will tell all her girlfriends what a stud you are. Not only will she want more, but all of her friends will also see you in a new light. Whether it is a one-night stand, a long-term relationship, or a repeat hookup, you will be remembered forever as the guy who gives the best oral sex on campus. Guaranteed.

Unfortunately, there is no “The Comprehensive Guide to Oral Sex: How to Send Your Partner to Heaven and Back in 10 E-Z Steps.” Instead, we have flavored condoms.
So, if you decide to go the flavored condom route, please bypass the banana and stick to strawberry or chocolate.