For the last few years, all we've heard about here is how the university is expanding and growing, trying to reach new heights, eventually edging out the Ivies to reach that coveted number one place in that stupid U.S. News and World Report college ranking. The vehicle to our success will be that brainchild, the Plan for the Class of 2000. Thinkpads will take us where only Ivies have dared to tread before.
With all of the improvements at the upper levels of the school, however, the administration has neglected to repair the lower, more basic levels. Perhaps the publication date of the next rankings is on their minds, or some fiendish alumnus has imposed a deadline on the Reynolda Hall inhabitants to finish paving over all the grass on campus, like in Perritt Plaza. For whatever reason, they seem to have forgotten that the campus has not moved into a rat free cyberspace heaven.
How do I know the administration is responsible? They are ultimately responsible for every bad thing about this place, for one thing. That's why some of them get free cars and more money than some corporate CEOs. For another, they are probably the most out-of-touch people on this campus. I mean, the Physical Facilities people walk around cleaning and repairing things every day. I'm sure that in the last few months one of the maintenance people has had the delightful experience of seeing a rat or being touched by a rat. They get around campus. They know.
Same goes for Campus Police. Students ... we get to live with them, lucky people that we are. Of course, we're the ones paying to be here, so I guess it makes sense that we would be the ones to get small furry animals as $1,200 pets.
But when was the last time you saw a member of the administration wandering around campus? Their treks are generally brief, from their cars to their rat-free offices. No wonder no one has seen ... oh, I don't know, an exterminator, wandering around with rat-killing potion.
Since it seems apparent that the rats will have no reason to leave campus anytime soon, let's consider what they can do to the happy little haven that is our university.
First, consider rats. They have beady little eyes, long pink tails and sharp claws and teeth. Because of the tail and the height differences, they probably won't be mistaken for administrators despite certain character similarities.
We have so many computers and records on computers now that we are quite dependent on them. However, I think it is quite likely that the computers will be destroyed by those nasty little rodents, who will find the Pit food so distasteful that they will look to Ethernet wires for sustenance.
The entire computer system will crash. All the grades for which students have studied obsessively and fought professors -- and each other -- will be destroyed. The administration's records will die. The infrastructure of the university will be destroyed. Common rodents will do what the computer services have tried and failed to do for months.
So, once the records of an entire semester have disappeared, students will do one of two things. Either storm Reynolda Hall, get shot by security forces and thus be exterminated, or storm Reynolda Hall and convince someone to call an exterminator. Naturally, the university will cease to exist if the former happens, and if the latter happens, the exterminator's bill at that point would require a federal disaster fund. Impressive, what a couple hundred really motivated rats can accomplish, isn't it?